Finding yourself in the middle of a major life change.

Sometimes life changes because we choose it. Sometimes it changes because life chooses for us.

Either way, a major life change can leave you feeling surprisingly disconnected from yourself. You might still look like the same person from the outside, still doing many of the same things, but underneath, something has shifted.

I know this because I recently went through a life-defining change of my own. It changed almost everything I thought I knew about my future and stripped away many of the things I had taken for granted: my hair, my physical strength, my ability to work at the level I once did and, perhaps most significantly, the certainty I had about what my future would look like.

But something unexpected happened.

In losing some of those things, I gained a much clearer sense of what actually matters to me.

When the life you knew changes

We often build our sense of self around the things we do. Our work, our relationships, our responsibilities, our appearance, our achievements and our plans for the future all become part of how we understand who we are.

When those things change, it can be surprisingly unsettling.

Even a change we've chosen can leave us questioning ourselves. A new job, starting a business, becoming a parent, moving somewhere new or ending a relationship can all shift the way we see ourselves. Then there are the changes we never asked for: illness, loss, grief, redundancy, a relationship breakdown or a diagnosis.

Suddenly, the version of life we knew no longer exists in quite the same way, and we're left wondering: Who am I now?

I thought being calm meant being in control

I've always considered myself a calm person. I'm generally good in a crisis, I don't tend to panic and I'm usually the person who can keep a clear head when things go wrong.

But I've realised there is a difference between being calm and being in control.

I was a bit like the duck: calm and composed on the surface, while my legs were going like the clappers underneath.

I had become very good at pushing uncomfortable feelings down because, somewhere along the way, I'd learnt that being okay meant looking like I was okay. If I could stay calm, keep functioning and carry on, then I was in control.

Except emotions don't really work like that.

Feelings don't disappear because we push them away

One of the biggest lessons I've taken from this period of my life is that emotions are meant to be felt. Not indulged, not allowed to take over and certainly not used to define who we are. Just felt.

I've had to learn to notice what I'm feeling without immediately trying to push it away, fix it or make it make sense. Sometimes I'm frightened, sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm sad and sometimes I'm completely fine. Sometimes I'm all of those things in the same day.

And that's okay.

I've learnt that acknowledging an emotion doesn't make it bigger. In fact, for me, the opposite has happened. When I give a feeling some space, I don't have to spend quite so much energy keeping it at bay.

You don't have to have it all figured out

I think one of the hardest things about a major life change is the uncertainty. We want to know what happens next. We want a plan. We want reassurance that everything will be okay.

But sometimes there isn't an answer yet. I'm learning that I don't always need one.

Rather than rushing to create a new version of myself, I'm trying to sit in the middle for a while. Not who I was, but not quite sure who I'm becoming either. Just noticing, listening and paying attention to what feels right and what doesn't.

I've realised that some things I thought were personality were actually coping mechanisms. Some things I thought were strength were really my need to stay in control. And some things I thought I needed to hold onto were simply things I'd become accustomed to.

I'm still calm, but my calm feels different now. It's less about keeping everything under control and more about knowing that I can feel whatever comes up and still be okay.

I feel more grounded, more honest with myself and, oddly enough, more certain about who I am.

If you're going through a major life change

You don't need to have everything figured out. You don't need to be positive all the time, and you don't need to rush to find the lesson.

Perhaps start smaller. Notice what you're feeling. Give yourself permission to feel it. Pay attention to what keeps coming up. Ask yourself what you need, rather than only what you should do.

Sometimes a major life change doesn't mean you've lost yourself. Sometimes

it gives you the opportunity to discover which parts of yourself were there all along.

This is part of the Healing Grove Explore series, where I share thoughts, experiences and practical reflections about emotions, change, self-awareness and finding your way through life's unexpected turns.

The thoughts and story above are entirely my own. AI has been used to help refine the structure and grammar.